martes, agosto 19, 2008

Canto que mal me sales....

Dijeron que no dolería y sería fácil. Dijeron que era lo mejor y lo mataron, resucitaste…dos mil años y hoy no le creen. Dijeron y juraron que era verdad y hoy hay miles de muertos sin tumbas, hijos sin padres…madres sin hijos, héroes sin historia… poemas escritos en dos segundos como despedida y rabia. Dijeron que sería romántico y violaron la luna. Dijeron que uniría al mundo, pero hoy sólo permite mentir y ser anónimo más libremente. Dijiste estar, querer, venir o llamar en caso contrario. Y Dijeron que no llovería y heme aquí sin paraguas, sin botas y una llamada perdida de un teléfono desconocido. Y las 7.30 pm.

Y ayúdame a entender, porque sola ha sido prácticamente un suicidio incalculado… si has pasado por aquí y sabes lo que es caminar así, ayúdame. ¿Sabes que mis noches ya ni siquiera son para restar y agradecer por el día y la luz? ¿Sabes que incluso los días no son para que haya una gota de luz? Si has visto lo que yo, explícame. Y se desdibujaron todos los patrones que se sentaban como bases de lo que sería mi vida, los manosearon por mi estupidez; los entregué como La niña que ya no soy más desde ví que puedes inventar una historia, interpretarla a traves de movimientos, decir las palabras exactas como la pauta te lo ha dictaminado; vestir el traje que acompañará tus palabras para que sean mucho más contundentes y valederas; expresar…pero jamás sentir. Jamás aunque digas que así es, nunca aunque lo prometas, menos si das paso y espacio a las dudas. Y porque la duda nos expulsa de ese paraíso que gritamos, que imploramos para que exista para mañana, para tres años más…para nueve, para un segundo más. Me bastaban sólo tres segundos que pedirían tres más y tres más y tres más… para vivir y respirar. Para poder abrir los ojos a algo. Alguien.

[Por favor que un por qué no me quite lo que me das…No digas lo que hará que el tiempo se duplique en tres y nada se le reste y que haya tanto de todo y nada de nada. Porque callar no le hará daño a nadie y al hablar mataras duendes y elfos, Arcángeles y dominios, divinidades. Por qué callar…porque callar permitió mi letal existencia junto con la de Rocinante, quien fuerte y altivo vive. Invencible. Mentirosamente.]

Porque se me olvida que hay salida, se me olvida que no se encuentra con solo desearlo… Se me olvida que mi tiempo no es que se muestra en el metro y su salida, ni en el reloj de la que se sienta junto a mi en el bus y su ventanilla, ni en el maldito tic tac que todas las noches me acompaña antes que la pesadez del cansancio, esa pesadez que ya no es de agotamiento, ni de sueño, ni de somnolencia, ni de enojo o desesperanza. Eso es lo peor. No es de nada. Si fuera porque deseo con toda mi alma y ese deseo es inoportuno e ingenuo, imbécil y susceptible a querer oír treinta y tres veces lo mismo y las noche me lo recordaran…y así decaer y dormir; si fuera porque las calles y las personas ya no son lo que solían ser en mi pequeñez de cinco años, y el adulto era sabio y sin errores…los caminos interminables, ensoñadores…

[Mamá: ¿Cuántos pasos como estos me faltarán por dar? Si continuo sin detenerme ¿Te cansarías conmigo? ¿Qué tan lejos podría llegar caminando así, de tu mano? ¿Sabe? Quiero ser veterinaria, abogada y carabinera…en mis tiempos libres ser también bombero ¿Podré hacerlo todo?...me haces feliz porque nunca me cortaste las alitas, para ti nada quedaba lejos. Tus ojos me dan esa tranquilidad que mis sueños a veces me quitan…sintiendo que no estas más, como ayer, me levanté mami: la tierra temblaba…todo se movía y mis castillos de arena ya no estaban en pié, tú tampoco estabas ¿Por qué? ¿Habrá un día en que ya no estés? ¿Me sentiré como en mi sueño?... ¿sin castillo, el sin-mundo a mis pies y sin ti? Me tranquilizas cuando me dices esas cosas, me encanta saber que estarás siempre…pero en distintas formas, por eso me gustan las nubes y las flores...pues dices que estarás en todo…Y dime también lo que es una A...¿Amor? ¿Así aprenderé a leer? Y… ¿Qué es el amor? ]


Atte Romy

17 comentarios:

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